I walked in the door from a full and wonderful day at 7pm last night. I sat down on the couch to catch-up with Josh and realized in mere minutes I was toast. I didn't have any more words or energy or positive productivity left. Sometimes when I hit that wall I turn on the TV and wander to the kitchen every twelve minutes looking for a snack. Last night I decided to hop in the shower, make some popcorn and crawl into bed with a book, reading until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. After twenty minutes I flung my Kindle on the nightstand and reached for the lamp switch with my eyes still closed, hoping not to lose that sweet, delirious feeling of drifting off to sleep.
It was cool and dark out. The house the quiet. I had showered away my worries and allowed the gift of fiction to transport my mind and imagination somewhere else. I could face tomorrow's questions and emotions and to-do's, tomorrow. I felt empowered by my choice to say, "I've given all I have, I've done all I can do, I'm satisfied with my work. The best thing I can do now for myself and those I live with, love and work with is call it a day and start fresh tomorrow." I was living within my limits, just as I've wanted to do.
I had all the ingredients for a long and blissful night sleep, but sleep escaped me. For what felt like forever I laid still in the dark somewhere between dreaming and thinking. I was still cozy and drowsy, but I was no longer moving toward REM sleep, I was moving toward anxious analytical thought. The cozy became hot and claustrophobic. The dream-like thinking became overwhelming, swirling thoughts about what today would bring to me, ask of me, call out of me. And although I fell asleep within minutes of my husband getting into bed (he makes me feel safe and settled), I tossed and turned in the early morning hours, wearily getting up for good just after 4:30am.
I turned the coffeemaker from its 5:45am auto-brew setting to plain, old brew. I grabbed a sweatshirt, my Kindle and sat down at my desk. This isn't how I wanted today to begin. Today is a big day on several fronts and I have found myself anticipating today as being hard, emotional and exhausting. It may not end up feeling that way, but when I've thought about the doors I need to walk through those are the words that come to mind.
Over the past couple of years the practice of "breath prayers" has become more and more central to my daily life. Although I carve out quiet time with Jesus in the morning there is something about calling out to him through short, repetitious prayers all through the day that strengthens my soul and reminds me I am connected to him and made to live in constant communication with the Father. Some examples of these prayers for are, " Help me, Lord.", "Have mercy on me.", "Give me strength". Others are bits and pieces of scripture (one reason why He tells us to hide His Word in our hearts) prayed as personal declarations or pleas for guidance. These breath prayers steady me, focus my thoughts, and put the weight of decisions and emotions back on the Savior who walks with me, carries my burdens, and holds the world together in His hands.
I don't often intentionally, purposefully "pick" the words for these breath prayers. They sort of arise from the circumstances of that season. They sometimes come from him as he prompts me to call on him, rest in him, and keep my mind focused on him. In this season my breath prayer has been, "Jesus, Savior, Pilot me." These words come from a very old song I heard for the first time last year as I perused the Internet looking for readings and videos by Shauna Niequist. This hymn was penned in 1871 and is subtitled, "The Sailor's Hymn".
As I watched and re-watched video and listened to the words, my soul was soothed (last year at this time were waiting for our referral of "Baby Fatty"). This hymn has powerful words and is sung like a lullaby, refreshing and steadying my mind and heart. This video is unique because right in the middle Shauna comes out to read from a chapter in her book, Bittersweet and her words perfectly compliment the song. This morning I listened to this again and again, in the quiet stillness of the morning. "Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me" remains my breath prayer for today.
Jesus Saviour Pilot Me live at Willow Creek - Shauna Niequist and Becky Johnson from Shauna Niequist on Vimeo.
"... We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8
It was cool and dark out. The house the quiet. I had showered away my worries and allowed the gift of fiction to transport my mind and imagination somewhere else. I could face tomorrow's questions and emotions and to-do's, tomorrow. I felt empowered by my choice to say, "I've given all I have, I've done all I can do, I'm satisfied with my work. The best thing I can do now for myself and those I live with, love and work with is call it a day and start fresh tomorrow." I was living within my limits, just as I've wanted to do.
I had all the ingredients for a long and blissful night sleep, but sleep escaped me. For what felt like forever I laid still in the dark somewhere between dreaming and thinking. I was still cozy and drowsy, but I was no longer moving toward REM sleep, I was moving toward anxious analytical thought. The cozy became hot and claustrophobic. The dream-like thinking became overwhelming, swirling thoughts about what today would bring to me, ask of me, call out of me. And although I fell asleep within minutes of my husband getting into bed (he makes me feel safe and settled), I tossed and turned in the early morning hours, wearily getting up for good just after 4:30am.
I turned the coffeemaker from its 5:45am auto-brew setting to plain, old brew. I grabbed a sweatshirt, my Kindle and sat down at my desk. This isn't how I wanted today to begin. Today is a big day on several fronts and I have found myself anticipating today as being hard, emotional and exhausting. It may not end up feeling that way, but when I've thought about the doors I need to walk through those are the words that come to mind.
Over the past couple of years the practice of "breath prayers" has become more and more central to my daily life. Although I carve out quiet time with Jesus in the morning there is something about calling out to him through short, repetitious prayers all through the day that strengthens my soul and reminds me I am connected to him and made to live in constant communication with the Father. Some examples of these prayers for are, " Help me, Lord.", "Have mercy on me.", "Give me strength". Others are bits and pieces of scripture (one reason why He tells us to hide His Word in our hearts) prayed as personal declarations or pleas for guidance. These breath prayers steady me, focus my thoughts, and put the weight of decisions and emotions back on the Savior who walks with me, carries my burdens, and holds the world together in His hands.
I don't often intentionally, purposefully "pick" the words for these breath prayers. They sort of arise from the circumstances of that season. They sometimes come from him as he prompts me to call on him, rest in him, and keep my mind focused on him. In this season my breath prayer has been, "Jesus, Savior, Pilot me." These words come from a very old song I heard for the first time last year as I perused the Internet looking for readings and videos by Shauna Niequist. This hymn was penned in 1871 and is subtitled, "The Sailor's Hymn".
As I watched and re-watched video and listened to the words, my soul was soothed (last year at this time were waiting for our referral of "Baby Fatty"). This hymn has powerful words and is sung like a lullaby, refreshing and steadying my mind and heart. This video is unique because right in the middle Shauna comes out to read from a chapter in her book, Bittersweet and her words perfectly compliment the song. This morning I listened to this again and again, in the quiet stillness of the morning. "Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me" remains my breath prayer for today.
Jesus Saviour Pilot Me live at Willow Creek - Shauna Niequist and Becky Johnson from Shauna Niequist on Vimeo.
"... We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8
1 comments:
Bex!
My father-in-law is who taught me about breath prayers without ever telling me about them. I watched and listened as he would say them as we would go for walks and as he would watch my children pray. So good!
I've been saying them a lot lately.
Great post!
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