The journey continues

I've been afflicted with writer's block lately and though thoughts continue to swirl around in my head, nothing has translated into a concise, articulate post. Even so, I have been taught to simply start writing and just maybe the block will come undone.

Christmas was swell this year. We stayed at home and spent time with the Bates family. Of course we enjoyed watching Christmas Vacation and telling our favorite family stories over and over again. It's hard to believe that this time next year Nathan will have completed his freshman semester at college, my sister will have graduated from college, Tay will be 23 and Josh and I will be eagerly awaiting our journey to Ethiopia to pick-up Fatty. I'm not the hugest American Christmas Fan, with all of the shopping and holiday cheer and gifts, but I do love remembering and contemplating the birth of Jesus. That sounds pretty fake and cheesy, but when I sit in Christmas Eve service I am always overcome with emotion and gratitude. It's crazy to imagine what life must have been like during that season for Mary and Joseph 2,000 years ago.

The adoption journey continues and on the whole, it is energizing. I have to admit there is a certain anxiety in me these days but I'm not sure if that's related to finances (“We won’t have enough money to bring our baby home!”) or paperwork (“We’re going to hit a major snafu which will delay our process for months!”) or simply my particular life stage (“I’m 20-something”. Need I say more?). There have been many transitions and stressors lately and I'm wondering if perhaps I'm still in the funk of decompressing. Feeling low is such a drag. It’s all I can do to offer up a few, simple, short prayers and read a Psalm every once and a while.

I find myself flirting with both fear and faith, which is not new for me. Fear is something I struggle with and it is revealed most in uncertain situations (rocket-science, I know). I knew as God beckoned us to begin the adoption process that it would reveal new challenges and opportunities to continue my progression from fear to faith. The infertility journey brought out into the light how scared and afraid and anxious I can be and honestly, it scared me to know how scared I was!

It seems like just when that specific set of fears had been released and overcome, Christ nudged me toward a new chapter entitled, Adoption, which would reveal these fears at another, deeper level. It's like he had cleaned out the main floor but was taking me down to the basement. So far this chapter has shown me that fear still exists in my soul and still hinders my faith. At times, taken at face value, this can be incredibly discouraging for me. My husband is an especially calm, cool and collected man who is able to stand on faith with beautiful grace and remarkable, unwavering conviction. I praise the Lord for this. Can you imagine if we were both scaredy-cats!? When I compare myself to Josh (just like when we compare ourselves to anyone) I can become overwhelmed. However in quiet, late nights, in early, dark mornings and in rare moments of stillness, I can hear a small, faint whisper chanting, "Keep going, you are growing, just keep going, just trust me, just hold on, I'll lead you, don't be scared, I've got you".

I guess that maybe it's similar to a word picture people describe something like this: There are two coasts and you are sailing from one to another in a small rowboat. When you first start paddling from one shore you can see how far you've gone by looking back at the diminishing beach. And when you get close to the once-far-off coast you can chart your progress because the coastline is getting bigger and nearer with each paddle. Yet somewhere in the middle you cannot see anything. You look back and see only water. You look ahead and see only water. You paddle and paddle and yet it feels as if you are getting absolutely nowhere. You're working so hard and have seemingly nothing to show for it. Not yet.

It's kind of like that for me. The shore of Trying to Get Pregnant is fading fast behind me and the coastline of Adopting a Fatty is so far off I cannot even it see it most days. But here we sit, in a small rowboat, offering all we have, serving and giving faithfully and praying that God might be the wind at our backs. On foggy mornings I wonder if I'll ever get anywhere, if life and trials and patience and prayers and small slivers of hope and faith will ever bear fruit. On especially stormy days I wonder if I'm even changing or maturing, becoming more Christ-like and beautiful in the process. The only answer I know, the hope I cling to is the word, yes.

Sure, it would have been nice if in the Infertility chapter had turned the page on my fear once and for all but I believe that the God I know cares more about who I am becoming in the process than the end result itself. I know he loves to give good gifts to his children and I also know that his good gifts can look a lot different than I expected and come in different timing than I planned.... and are always more significant than I imagined. I have seen that his grace is sufficient for my shortcomings and that his strength is made perfect in my weakness so I’m banking on those truths once more.

I’m tempted to end the post there but thought I’d offer some prayer prompts for me/ us at this point in the journey. Feel free to skip right over these if you prefer. No pressure or expectation.

First, prayer for peace, the kind that comes from the Father.

Second, for faith to believe in stuff that doesn’t make sense or add up and in a God who is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. I cannot at this point imagine him meeting or exceeding all of our needs in this process, but I have been asking and I need the hope and the faith to continue to do so. My head knows he can with the flick of his wrist, but my heart is fearful and doubting.

Third, let’s get practical: for a smooth paperwork process. We are doing our part and so far, so good. Praise God! We are praying that from top to bottom, from Oregon to Ethiopia we would have favor with the government and agencies and that God would expedite our process.

Finally, finances. We’ve paid $4,400 for our Home Study and Phase 1 to our agency. We’ve paid $300 for education, $950 for our post-adoption reports (a $950 we were not expecting to pay up front. Ouch!) and about $500 more in paperwork fees and document gathering. Upcoming expenses include $830 for the United States Citizenship and Immigration process (UPDATE: MY MOM AND DAD HAVE GIVEN THIS TO US AS BIRTHDAY PRESENTS!!!), $6,500 to move on to the next phase (sending in the Dossier) and then $5,300 after we accept the referral of our baby. Plus plane tickets ($3,000-5,000), stay in country ($1,800) and other processing fees like Visas,, finalization of the adoption, etc ($500-1,500).

Hey, thanks for reading and for caring, on some level, about my life and our story. Blessings to you.

Not a creature was stirring...

There is a definite method to my blogging madness; being a morning person. There would be no blog if I wasn't an early riser. But here I am with my cup of coffee and Christmas music. I turned my computer and chair around, still next to the window in the kitchen nook, but now facing the sparkling lights of the Christmas tree my husband picked out. The dogs are cozy in their beds, the husband is dreaming upstairs and my Ethiopian baby is most likely rolling around in his mother's womb on the other side of the world.

Today is my second official day of vacation and I have to be honest...I'm seriously reconsidering it. I have nothing to do. It's strangely annoying. No homework, no work, and yet reading, cleaning, TLC marathons and coffee with friends all sound tiring. I have zip-zero motivation. Maybe that's supposed to be good or something. Yesterday I searched for cars on Craigslist only to be reminded by my husband that it is not until one of our cars explodes into flames that we can even consider another vehicle. Fine. Touche'.

My first small group girl got married last night. It was a beautiful, meaningful ceremony and reception. It's crazy to know these girls are growing up so fast. And this particular girl, Molly, has been a family since as long as we've all been alive. We all have fabulous pictures of our early nineties bowl cuts and turquoise hammer pants. Recently we interview Molly for ChickChat because as a young woman on the verge of getting hitched, we wanted to get her perspective on dating, marriage, her commitment to remain sexually pure until...yesterday and so on. I could barely talk in the interview because I was so choked up. Her answers and insights were astonishingly mature, grace-filled, articulate and wise. I was so impressed, so inspired, so proud of her. In a world that is going stark-raving mad this gorgeous, talented, popular woman has stuck to her faith and convictions all the way. To know I had even a small part in walking with her during those tough high school years is incredibly significant.

P.S. A word to the wise: The wedding and reception was held at Green Villa Barn in Independence, OR. Keep that on your list for your special day. It was breathtaking. Also, it's worth noting that Josh was the emcee for the reception and he did so well managing details and taking charge all while being his usual flexible, easy-going, laid-back self. It's a good mix, if you ask me. Man, I love that guy.

Well it's time for Day 2 to officially begin. Any ideas for inspiration/ motivation? I'd love your advice!

Is it too soon??

Is it too soon to be eying baby stuff? Probably. In my opinion babies don’t need a lot of stuff, but I cannot deny how extremely fun it is to shop for them. I personally lean towards a minimalist nursery and a kickin’ wardrobe. Fatty, you can thank me later. After we complete the adoption process we won’t have lots of cash left for superfluous goodies, which is just fine with us. I do, however, have just a couple,specific must-have items. So sue me. Sheesh. This is my first baby for crying out loud.

First: Tiny TOMS! AKA the cutest kids shoes for an incredible cause. For each pair of shoes purchased a pair is given to a child who literally has no shoes. I really think this concept should be the future of all consumerism in America. Think about how much we could do if for everything we bought someone else who honestly needed it got one, too. Genius. Make sure to click on the link and read all about the TOMS story and cause. Aren’t these ADORABLE for little chubby babies? Tell me about it. And who knows, maybe when we buy a pair (or 4) for our Fatty, a little babe from Ethiopia will get his pair as a result. We can hope, right!?

Second: Baby Uggs. Please note that in order to settle an almost-argument recently I had to concede to Joshua that I would THINK about this purchase and not too quickly place these Uggs on my Most Wanted list. He believes it is pretty ridiculous that we would spend more than $10 at a time on anything the baby wears because she will grow out of it so fast. My response? That makes perfect sense. Wait, what? I meant to say, SO? Uggs never go out of style (or in my husband’s mind they’ve never been IN style, but what does he know) so you can buy one pair and all five of our kids can wear them for one winter of their lives. It’ll be called The Siblinghood of the Traveling Uggs. I’m so clever.

Well not to get totally carried away I think I’ll stop there. I really can only think of two other specific Must-Have's for Fatty anyways. That’s only 4 total. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Just one thing on our list

"Ah, crap". That was the first thing that ran through my mind when my good friend, Erik, emailed Josh and I this song about adoption. I thought at first it was one of those "Gotcha Day" videos and I just can't handle those. I start sobbing and cannot stop.

This song, All I Really Want, is from the perspective of a child who wants to be adopted into a loving, forever family. I'd say that our song has the same title this Christmas. All we really want for Christmas is to bring our baby home (and to see a handful/ a hundred other families join in this kingdom call to reach out to the millions of children growing up as orphans).

Taking it off

My classes are finished for this semester. My interim season at work has come to a close. I thought I would be running around, shouting for joy, but I've been feeling pretty down. After three days I am just beginning to relax. I've been wound up so tightly and finding myself completely unable to concentrate. I've been on overdrive since July and I am completely wiped out. Not to mention this weather seriously gives me the blues (as it does most Oregonians).

The good news is that after being honest with a couple of wise people in my life about how I'm feeling and where I'm at, I have decided to take a few days off of work, even though we are staying in town for the holidays. I have previously engaged in the pattern of taking just one day off here and there. I find I usually have such high expectations for that day; my main goal is to get a lot done. I want to wake up early and conquer the world. Those are good days, but I'm not there now. I'm hopeful that with a few consecutive days off I will be able to go through times of rest and busyness, moments of productivity and days of leisurely filling my tank in ways that refresh and rejuvenate my body and soul. I'm looking forward to connecting with the Father. I hope I will begin to feel like myself again with the simple treasure of time and space to process and unwind.

Come to think of it, and after two cups of coffee, I am slowly beginning to look forward to the fun activities that are on our calendar in the next two weeks, between now and the New Year. We get to have tons of dinner dates with cool couples and dear friends, Bates family photo-shoot (haven't been done since 1997, aka 7th grade), a hair cut for me!, Survivor Finale, my first small grouper's wedding, Christmas (duh), New Year's Eve, the Rose Bowl and my favorite preacher giving a year-end message. Good things are in store!

What are you looking forward to between now and 2010?

(Tricky title for this post, huh?).

Specifically Ethiopia

This is from my husband's post last night address at a very basic level why we were compelled to adopt from Ethiopia specifically.

• One in six children die before their fifth birthday

• 44% of the population of Ethiopia is under 15 years old
• 60% of children in Ethiopia are stunted because of malnutrition
• The median age in Ethiopia is 17.8 years
• 1.5 million people are infected with AIDS (6th highest in the world)
• 720,000 children have been orphaned by AIDS alone, and there are 4.6 million orphans in Ethiopia.
• Per capita, Ethiopia receives less aid than any country in Africa
• In the 90s the population (3%) grew faster than food production (2.2%)• Drought struck the country from 2000-2002 (first year no crops, second year no seeds, third year no animals)
• Half the children in Ethiopia will never attend school. 88% will never attend secondary school.
• Coffee prices (Ethiopia’s only major export) fell 40-60% from 1998-2002.
• Ethiopia’s doctor to children ratio is 1 to 24,000.
• In 1993, after 30 long years of war, Eritrea broke from Ethiopia and became an independent nation leaving Ethiopia landlocked without any major seafaring ports

Guest Blogger: In His Words

"A 3-year struggle with infertility led to some significant fears of getting pregnant. This was met this past spring with a word from a trusted voice in our lives that they felt that God had told them that we would get pregnant. This required faith and confirmation, both of which we felt we received.

The mental, emotional, and financial investment inherent with infertility was gone! However, the desire to start a family was not. The someday/maybe plans of adoption began to be discussed with increasing regularity and desire. What seemed like an eventual possibility was becoming our preferred means of starting our family.

Obstacle one was the money. After doing the math we realized it wasn't within our means to adopt within the next 12 months. We could put around 10K towards the adoption over the coming year (a little less than half) but not nearly enough. This stopped it for me (Josh). I figured that I wasn't going to invest in something I knew at the onset I couldn't afford and I wasn't comfortable writing support letters for an adoption (nothing against those who are). I knew that God could change our financial situation to make up the difference but in these days this was going to be a stretch.

We decided to read more about adoption and picked up "Adopted for Life." It turned out to be a phenomenal book about both the theological and practical aspects of adoption. Warning: if you read this book, you will most likely end up adopting. (And, honestly, would that be so bad??).

The book addressed the money issue and encouraged potential adopters to not let it be the primary reason for choosing not to adopt. The author's own experience testified to the faith stretching and fulfilling experience of watching God provide. I (Josh) was willing to not let money completely derail the subject. However, I still wasn't going to ask for money. Ironically, in preparing for a weekend message, I read a little more broadly about the life of George Mueller and was challenged by his conviction to step out in faith to care for orphans (10,024) while never soliciting money. He believed (like Hudson Taylor) that through prayer we can move the hand of God to draw people's hearts towards Him and His work in the world--this was evidenced by him never going into debt during the building of his five orphanages, receiving more than $2,700,000 in unsolicited funds. Dang.

God reminded me during this season of my bias in calling students to connect their lives with God's work in the unreached sections of the globe. I challenge them not to wait for writing in the sky but to follow the commands given in Scripture and to allow God to shut doors if his plan for them entails something different. We challenge them to make the statement: "I am committed, if God allows, to give my life as a foreign...." I felt God ask me in regards to adoption, "Josh, why would this be any different? Why do you need what I've said in Scripture to be confirmed with something supernaturally specific for you to simply start heading in the directions I've laid out in Scripture? You don't look for writing in the sky to determine whether you should love your neighbor, forgive, tithe, serve, pray, and share the gospel, why this?" I felt a deepening conviction that God prefers to stop us from heading further in good directions rather than start us heading in good directions.

I remember waking up Friday frustrated that I hadn't had a dream. I remember frustrated in my devotions Friday morning that nothing from Scripture seemed to relate or confirm. I was very clearly not getting those Hansel and Gretel breadcrumbs. Granted, I had peace, support, commands from Scripture, interest and support from friends and family but no dream, no line in the sand moment. I remember that sometimes God confirms after we take steps of faith, not before. I wondered what would happen in the days to come having a good sense that we were going to go through with this.

Halfway through the next day, Saturday, my mind was taken back to the earlier money issue. I randomly recalled saying to Becca that God could always change our money situation but that there was no reason on the horizon to suggest He would. Then my mind went back to the prior Wednesday, three days earlier. That day I received news of some unexpected money in response to some recent speaking opportunities. Lest you think I'm super-spiritual (not sure why you would), I didn't connect the dots on that surprise and the issue at hand until three days later, after we'd decided to step forward in faith. Ah, wow--how funny and cool is that."

-Josh Mann (for more from Josh head on over to his blog and chime in)

Seasons and stuff

I'm at my desk at home, full and sleepy, after a delicious Chipotle dinner (I swear the girl who scooped my salsa totally acted like she knew me... We might be making progress). I'm listening to Desert Song because I need it tonight. I love coming back to what is true in the face of questions and emotions. I have the space heater blasting but I still can't feel my fingers. I'm wearing my vintage Oregon sweatshirt, flannel PJ pants, a scarf and a cute flower headband thingy. I look like a gypsy (which is near perfect style in my book).

Today I Skyped with my amazing friend Jocelyn and her husband Luke, who live in the Middle East. That's right. They live in the Middle East. Crazy, huh? They just got Internet in their house and it was so great to see her face and hear her voice. I was at work so I had no microphone and no camera. It was funny because I had to type everything and then I got to hear and see them respond. I miss them so bad. So bad. They have only been gone for 3 months, which means they won't be back for 1 year and 9 months. Wow. That's depressing. My dream is to visit them on our way to get Baby Fatty but I'm just not sure how that will shake down.

I'm a recovering shopper. It's been in process for over 4 years and it is hard work. I used to shop and have fun clothes and style and it was awesome. Then I grew up and started making responsible choices. Turns out you can't have it all. It's my own personal reformation. Especially now with Baby Fatty on the way we cannot spend like any money. But.... you see, I'm going to a wedding this month where there will be young, hip, cool college kids and I have been going through a bad hair month and my skin is freaking out and furthermore I'm extremely pale. So I bought this AMAZING dress. AMAZING. When I saw it I thought, "I've been looking for you my whole life". If I could design a dress this is what it would look like. So I bought it. I cannot afford it. That money should go to Baby Fatty. It came to my house today via UPS. I tried it on, twirled around, smiled at myself and placed in it my car to return this weekend. It feels good, though. I'm doing the right thing. I am reforming. Slowly but surely.

I found a new way to shop at Target without buying 40 extra things. A) Make a list. Der. Eeveryone knows that. B) Talk on the phone. This might shock you because I'm not what you call a "big phone talker”. But today after work I needed some "in-between time" to decompress from work before coming home. I had a list of 7 things to pick up at Target and the kind of afternoon where I just needed to talk it out with my dad. So I called him on my way. We are both just a little talkative when you get us started, so we chatted for 35 minutes (until my phone died) as I paced around the store and in between the aisles. I realized when I arrived home that I only bought the things on my list! Hurrah.

How did this happen? A) Holding my purse, my shopping basket and my phone was just killing my arm and neck and making me drop things periodically so I wasn't really able to grab anything else. B) I was so into what I was saying and what my dad was saying back that though I wandered and looked at many pretty things, I had moved on to another brilliant point before having the time to seriously consider purchasing Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day Lemon Verbena shower spray or seasonal flannel sheets with snowflakes or some assorted gender neutral baby items (It was soooo hard. I saw this off-white I love Mommy onesie...)

It's December 9th which means I'm about 3 weeks away from completing a challenging season in ministry. My partner in crime had a baby this summer and was blessed to take five whole months off. Our staff as a whole and my department in particular was in the middle of some huge transitions and heading into a very busy ministry season. Thankfully, Project: Back to School, Thanksgiving baskets, Feed Hope: Food and Book Drive, Angel Tree, Broadway Life Center Design Team, Foster Parents' Night Out, Grant mentors and more all have gone off without a hitch! Praise God. Throw in Swine Flu, New York, a boss who was in the Middle East for 2 weeks and my other co-worker having a baby and it's clear that God provided everything I/ we needed in this season.

We continue have hundreds of volunteers who reach out in tangible ways to bless our community by meeting real needs in Jesus' name. To top it off, God has once again proven himself as more than capable of carrying me, shaping my heart and developing my leadership along the way. It's been a joy (mostly) to step up and fill in some gaps during this interim season. I've developed new relationships with volunteers and watched all kinds of people honor God and model Christ as we do real things to touch the lives of real people right in our community. And… make no mistake; I'm ready for a break! Haha.

I scheduled my six-month cleaning at the dentist today and it was weird thinking about June 15th and wondering where we might be in this adoption process. Just maybe we will have our dossier sent in and simply waiting for the call about Baby Fatty. CRAZY.

Shout out!

I don't do this often. Maybe not enough. but I am giving out Shout Out today because I can. It’s my blog! I totally, totally believe in this cause and am compelled to get the word out so it can reach it's potential for incredible life impact. I want to tell you about a bomb new movement that you should know about and be a part of, especially if you live in Salem.

Its called Give a Shirt. Yes, you read that right (now say it carefully). Don't you just love it already?

It is the love offering of one of my favorite small group girls to the significant homeless population of students living in Salem. This came about when she did her homework after Salem Alliance’s student ministry team posed a challenge to all students to come up with creative big ideas that hundreds of people like you and me could be a part of to tangibly demonstrate compassion and mercy to people in our community who need it most. About 25 heartfelt ideas were submitted and put through a voting and selection process over a couple months time. Give a Shirt rose to the top. Here is what you will find on the “about” page at www.igiveashirt.org:

Homeless students.

900 of them last year in Salem-Keizer, OR, alone.



Not even 18 years old and life has gotten off to a rough start.



One of the biggest barriers between their present and a better future is their education.



The McKinney-Vento Homeless Assistance Act attempts to remove all barriers to homeless students succeeding in school. It does a great job of this–it provides free transportation, free food, lets them choose any school in the district, and protects them from being discriminated against. One thing it doesn’t do is provide clothes.



What difference do clothes make, don’t they have steeper challenges than that?



Imagine not changing your clothes for the next sixty days.



Many of these students have one outfit. One smelly, dirty, doesn’t quite fit, wouldn’t-wear-it-if-I-had-something-else outfit.



Many of these students, not wanting to smell, stand out, and wear their poverty on their sleeve, only come to school a few days a week. People are less likely to notice if they’re at school less.



Not having more than one outfit is a valid reason to not want to go to school every day.


Not having more than one outfit is a stupid reason to not finishing school someday.



The problem is…there is nothing they can do about it.



The solution is…there is something you can do about it.

What’s that?



GIVE A SHIRT.

Literally.



For every shirt sold $10 will be given to help these local homeless students get the clothes they need.



Get a shirt you want–give a shirt they need.


When you stand out–they blend in.

Now you know. This is a simple, creative opportunity to participate in a small act of compassionate shopping that will make a significant impact on the lives of 900 homeless students living right here in Salem. Do you give a shirt? Prove it!

Photo by Paula Hoffart featuring Whitney- the creative genius behind Give a Shirt.

All of my life

This song has been my anthem for the last year or so (I listen to it every single morning at least once).

It covers a variety of seasons of life but comes back to the promise that God is my victory and He is here. I love this lyric, "All of my life in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship".

This has been and continues to be my prayer in each season of life- the desert, the harvest and every where in between. Through pregnancy, miscarriage, infertility and now adoption this song has just carried me, has been like a theme song that I can keep coming back to, that puts words and music and worship to my heart's cries. It's praise, declaration and desperation; it's conviction and promise; hope in the future and powerful truth in the present.

7%? Is that all?

Recently I stumbled upon this quote:

"If only 7 percent of the 2 billion Christians in the world would care for a single orphan in distress, there would effectively be no more orphans. If everybody would be willing to simply do something to care for one of these precious treasures, I think we would be amazed by just how much we could change the world. We can each do something, whether it is donating, adopting, fostering, mentoring, visiting orphans or supporting families that have taken in orphans. You can change the world for an orphan."

- Steven Curtis Chapman, August 2008

My first thought was "Really? Only 7%? We can do that. People I know, people I love, those I work with and serve with, we could do that!"

Just like our conviction that each Christian has a role to play in completing the Great Commission through giving, praying and going, Josh and I have a growing conviction that as Christ followers we each play a role in caring for orphans. It's good for them. It's great for us. And most importantly it honors our Father and brings glory to His name.

James 1:27 reminds us, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..."

Josh and I have been working on making our support system to bring Baby Fatty home simple for those who would like to play their part in changing the life of an orphan baby through a financial contribution. Our goal is to post a PayPal link on my blog in which 100% of donations go directly into an account specially designated for our baby. Look for this early next week! More details on the paperwork chase, updates on our prayer requests and, of course, plenty of personal reflections coming soon.

And, what other questions would you like us to address about this process and our journey to starting a family? Post a comment and we'll answer in an upcoming Q&A post.